Breaking Free
Pounding at these prison walls inside my mind
Struggling to break free, but I realize I'm
Stuck here shackled by this insecurity that
Tells me I can't do what you're expecting of me
“Geek Culture,” as some might call it, has become significantly more mainstream today than it was when I was a kid. It wasn’t ‘cool’ to wear a Triforce shirt or a Marvel hoodie and it was definitely something that got you (see: me) your fair share of bullying. Now, I walk down the street and see cars with anime stickers, guys with Demon Slayer shirts, and the like. Of course, I think there are still levels of social “acceptability” when it comes to being nerdy, but we’ve come a long way. It seems you can’t go anywhere now without seeing Marvel or Star Wars branded products being shoved in your face.
I suppose it’s all well and good. I am not here to complain about things being mainstream or that kids don’t get made fun of as much for being nerdy – far from it. Rather, there still seems to be some divide on what is “too much.” Growing up as one of those kids, I was always ashamed of the things I like(d). I wasn’t into The Cowboys or The Rangers, which is heresy in Texas–I’m aware. Those were seen as socially acceptable hobbies or things to nerd out about.
That’s not to say I was an island; there were definitely plenty of kids that liked the same things I did. However, it was kind of this unspoken rule that those kinds of things were not ‘cool.’ You were weird for liking those things. I don’t mean to generalize this as “everyone’s experience,” but I do know it was far more common than some would like to think. At the end of the day, though, we’ve come out on the other side. Kind of.
GRC was founded with a slew of ideas, one of which was being unabashedly myself and encouraging clients to be themselves as well (with the caveats of: it needs to be healthy and legal and not harmful to yourself or others). If you walk into my office, you see anime Displates, figurines, and even a Luigi’s Mansion First4Figurine on the front desk. I myself am almost a billboard for the things I like with tattoos from things like Zelda, Fate, and Shadow the Hedgehog.
It took me a while to get to the point where I was comfortable being myself, much less being okay with openly liking things like anime and video games. It’s difficult to be confident when you are always questioned for “why” you like something or being told “it’s childish.” One of the common warnings I got when starting up my office was that most adults wouldn’t want to sit in here or take me seriously because of the decorations–a warning which ended up both falling flat and falling on deaf ears.
One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes is as follows: “Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.” Whether it be in everyday life or in the church, there is an expectation that once you become an adult, you are supposed to like ‘adult things,’ whatever those are. Video games, comic books, fiction books, certain types of music– these things are not usually seen as ‘adult’ in nature. What is an adult, though, but a grown-up kid? Our interests may change, but they do not simply vanish. I love a good fantasy novel now just as much, if not more, as when I was a child.
I think most people want authenticity, especially in this day and age. It’s very easy to sterilize yourself and put on a business suit both literally and metaphorically. I can throw on a mask and act like I am a self-serious therapist who has no personality or thoughts other than psychology, but I find that to be far too fake. At the risk of bragging, I have gotten a lot of compliments on both my office and on my genuineness and openness. I think this is due to the human need to know and be known; we desire connection with each other and true connection at that. When you walk into my office, there is no mistake: this is me.
That is not to say that I don’t have that voice in the back of my head telling me that this is all silly and stupid. That I should have a sterile and traditionally professional office; that I should dress in slacks and a suit and put up the front of the businessman who has it all together. But that would be acting out of a place of insecurity. As one of my favorite songs cries out: “My life's too precious to live shackled by insecurity.” Those words resonate with me so deeply; I could spend my time worrying about what people think of me. Do they judge me because of my nerdiness? Maybe they don’t want anything to do with me because I’m a Christian? Maybe they dislike Reformed guys? If the answer to any or all of that is ‘yes,’ then so be it. A client should be with a therapist they can connect with and feel comfortable with. If they are turned off by the (very cool) posters and figurines, then that’s fine. We weren’t a good fit.
Fortunately, I have yet to have that happen. Because, here’s the thing: I know I’m a damn good therapist who was trained by a damn good supervisor. My love of Zelda or lack of love of The Cowboys has no bearing on my ability to be a therapist. My office isn’t just a reflection of me, though. I wanted to build a place that feels safe and comfortable. I want it to be disarming. You aren’t being flashed by fluorescent lights or fancy art pieces about Freud’s view on the self. You come into some soft lighting and a Pac-Man machine.
And if Pac-Man isn’t your thing, don’t worry: I have other games on there, too.
My point in writing this isn’t just to toot my own horn, either. I was talking to a good friend the other night and she hit me with this line: “Be the weird one and you'll be surprised how many other people are suddenly slightly weirder too in my experience [sic].” More than that, when you’re open with who you are, so are other people. My clients understand that they can be themselves because I am myself. There is no judgment in an open environment where everything is laid bare. The more open you are with yourself, the more open you can be with others, and that fosters an environment where people can feel free to be themselves without risk of toxic shame or embarrassment.
We have a lot of voices telling us who we should be and what we should like. Even in things like geek culture, there are loud voices saying that you can’t like something because of “this reason” or “that reason.” I am me; all of me, even the weird parts or the parts that people might think are a bit eccentric or weird. I’m not going to hide my character just because it might differ from what people think is ‘cool’ or ‘normal.’
Again, this isn't a free license to just do whatever you want. There are definitely some libertarian restrictions, like I previously mentioned. At the end of the day, I think this goes back to one of my favorite concepts in psychology: self-actualization. Put simply, self-actualization is the human desire to become the best version of ourselves we can be; healthy, happy, etc. We can’t move forward with a millstone called “insecurity” around our necks. I decided back in college that I won’t drag that rock any further. I want to become the best version of myself, that includes my nerdiness, my faith, my psychology– my everything. I think that is a natural human desire and one of our most important needs.
It’s exhausting to constantly try to balance the unrealistic expectations of others. I’m too old and tired to care if someone thinks my Shadow the Hedgehog shirt is weird or geeky (it’s actually super comfortable - 95% cotton and 5% spandex!). I like me. My wife likes me. My friends and family like me. My clients like me (I hope). And I think that’s enough.
And now I'm breaking free
I'm through with you and everybody else telling me
Who I'm meant to be
I'm taking back control
The world ends with me
